An Email from Barack

This email arrived in my inbox last night…

Timmy —

Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer:

I believe that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

I’ve always believed that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated the same as my parents were treated. An interracial couple, who historically would not have been allowed to marry in many states in our union, they likely suffered great and terrible bigotry that I was never allowed to see, bigotry that I was protected from seeing, clearly, for why else would it have taken me, a biracial man living in a country still grappling with a racist heritage, why did it take me so long to evolve my positions so that on this day I can finally say that gay people aren’t so different from you and me. You might think the sting of bigotry would have made me an early champion of equal rights for all. You would be wrong.

I was reluctant to use the term marriage because of the very powerful religious traditions it evokes, traditions like witch burning and youth castration and shunning. And I thought civil union laws that conferred legal rights upon gay and lesbian couples were a solution, much like earlier generations thought that separate but equal was a fair and decent way to deal with the folk who looked like me.

But over the course of several years I’ve talked to friends and family about this. I’ve thought about members of my staff in long-term, committed, same-sex relationships who are raising kids together, and while most of them gave me nicknames like “Hopeless Changeless” and were often seen facepalming themselves after five minutes of arguing with me over their right to marry, I see now what an ass I had been. Through our efforts to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, I’ve gotten to know some of the gay and lesbian troops who are serving our country with honor and distinction, and it really is not very easy to tell them apart from the non-homosexuals. Go figure.

What I’ve come to realize is that for loving, same-sex couples, the denial of marriage equality means that, in their eyes and the eyes of their children, they are still considered less than full citizens. My bad. That’s completely my bad. Sorry. Wow. You must think I am a complete dick.

Even at my own dinner table, when I look at Sasha and Malia, who have friends whose parents are same-sex couples, I know it wouldn’t dawn on them that their friends’ parents should be treated differently, unless their friends’ parents don’t contribute even just $5 to my 2012 campaign fund, and then my two beautiful daughters are taken by their mother to the offending holdouts’ home where my darling family just stare at the front door until cash comes out the mail slot.

So I decided it was time to affirm my personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

I respect the beliefs of others, sometimes, and the right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines, especially when those institutions defend child molesters and rapists. But hey, nobody’s perfect. But I believe that in the eyes of the law, all Americans should be treated equally, sort of, I guess, I mean, okay jeez Joe quit it! [Joe Biden steps out from behind a curtain where he has been holding President Obama’s ear, and as he gives POTUS a smack on the back of the head, says, “Now finish this email up. I want to practice whispering ‘FUCK YEAH’ for when we are re-elected.”]

And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them, though I’m not sure what to do with states like California and North Carolina, but I do have armed drones standing by…

If you agree, you can stand up with me here, where I stand on legs of jello with a spine running through my back that is strengthened only by polling data, because, seriously, why else did it take me so long to stand up for civil rights for all, unless maybe I was worried about my legacy? Speaking of legacy, I need to go order some more drone bombing raids in which innocent civilians will be killed, but hey, they’re foreigners and who cares about them?

Thank you,


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Filed under comedy, politics

January 2012

It’s the second day of a new year. Teresa and I have been having a great year so far. Gratitude is in abundance.

I hope for the same for you, unless your definition of a great year is fucking over everyone in your path, and in that case, I hope your year sucks and you learn some decency.

I’m looking at you, Wall Street.

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Filed under Chicago, Occupy

Vaclav Havel

“Those that say that individuals are not capable of changing anything are only looking for excuses” – Vaclav Havel

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Filed under Occupy

On Set

I’m on set. I’m acting in a short film directed by a coworker at my day job. I play a creature who SPOILER ALERT steals people’s souls END SPOILER ALERT.

This is the second film I have acted in. In the first, I wore a rubber mask. Yes, I played a creature in that film also.

I might get a complex if I get cast as a creature in another film, so I think I’ll retire from film acting after this project.

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Filed under journal, theater

Occupy Update: SEC charges former Fannie, Freddie Execs with Fraud

A step in the right direction.

SEC Charges Former Fannie, Freddie Executives With Fraud Over Risky Mortgages

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Filed under economy, Occupy

Hello 2011

Oh, this year went by fast.

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Filed under Uncategorized

Looking forward to exploring my new neighborhood

I moved to Andersonville recently after five and a half months of being spoiled in a loft in the Loop.  I share my new place with a good fellow named Paul. I’m already charmed by the new neighborhood and I’m going to go out for a stroll to see what’s happening on a Saturday evening.

I might even report on my findings!

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Filed under Chicago, journal