I let music slip away from me a little bit lately. I’ve been busy, and stressed out, and wearing down, etc., and I noticed I had pretty much stopped playing music at home. I stopped carrying my ipod with me, too. I recall at one point having the thought that it was too much trouble to charge and carry the music player. [Wow.]
I want to say I don’t really know what happened, but I do know. Still, why did I cut off something that makes me so damned happy? Hell, more than happy. It’s the stuff that keeps me alive–in ways you cannot really appreciate unless you know my story.
So what the hell was I doing to myself? I’m not sure that I want to know–avoidance is of course one of my big problems, but the more I address it directly the less likely it is that it will continue to shackle me. Nevertheless, as of this writing, I seem to have gotten back to enjoying what I consider the appropriate amount of music in my day and night. I won’t play favorites by saying who helped get me back on track, but let’s just say that joy begets joy.
I have a destructive impulse (ha ha! not just one of course!) that finds me imprisoning Me in silence and solitude, sometimes even right out in the open. The more that I acknowledge this tendency the more likely I’ll stop?
I wrote this to remind myself not to let it happen again. I had started writing it as a note for Facebook, but decided against it. I might take the bold step of letting people know I post occasionally to LJ. It might encourage me to write more often. I miss the simple pleasure that blogging gave me, but only to a degree. I do have something to say, something to share. Maybe I should start being a little less selfish with my words.
I am at work right now–on a Sunday–and I look out my office window occasionally onto Varick Street in SoHo.
Rain falls from a dusty gray sky.
Water towers look down approvingly as I write when I “should” be doing what I came in to work for…but I know–I KNOW–in this moment I am doing what I should be doing. And good for me.
[I wrote this for a Live Journal account I have. Since then, I decided to start a new personal blog, and this seemed like an appropriate piece to start things off with.]