[I wrote this on Dec 7 and suppressed it until today. I get nervous sometimes about putting certain things out there…and this is very confusing anyway…so whatever. (There I go being articulate!)]
That’s not a very impressive primal scream, yet at this time that’s the only thing that comes to mind to keep me from absolutely losing my mind.
I can throw my hands up and say, “Oh well!” Maybe even a with silly lopsided grin on my face…”Oh well.”
There is a subtle yet perceptible quake in me, a seismic event, a shifting of tectonic plates, a release of volcanic pressure on a global scale…
And that’s it. I could scream and bellow at the gods and shake my fists and howl howl howl…and the end result is the same. So I might as well say, “Oh well,” and then try to size things up and find a way to get on with life, but there is nothing as fixed in all of the heavens as the gap of years that lay at my feet. It’s there, like a wall made of steel, like a moat filled with burning oil and crocodiles…
Yes, some of this rant is meant to be slightly comic and absurd. After all, what else can I make of it? What else can we make of it? Nothing. The best thing we can do is to forge the world’s greatest friendship. We can take the “what could have been” and fashion it into “this is awesome” because we love each other, because we are smart enough to know that this This THIS does not happen very often and each of us does not want to let the other go away.
There is some comfort in knowing that because this happened it can happen again. I dare say, because I am older and wiser (this is when she rolls her eyes and maybe even smacks me in the arm) that it will happen again for her, and probably on a more profound level, because I know who she is and I know Know KNOW that she will attract to her the most amazing things. Some of it she will craft herself, and some of it will come to her as reward, bestowed by Fate on her because she is that remarkable and gifted and deserving and worthy.
[Over-the-top idealization deleted for the sake of Humanity.] I really need to stop now.
She’s a woman.
Funny…I could go on and on in an attempt to idealize her, and this might offer me some sort of distance at which to keep her, but I know the truth. She’s a woman. She’s my friend. She’s my impossible love, and there’s nothing left to say except for this: “Oh well.”
I am afraid that later today, probably while I am doing improv, I might spill buckets of tears [this did not happen, but other expressions of pain took place], because even now, as I try to shake clear my head after only five hours of fevered sleep, I have not been able to understand what it means to have had the conversation we had last night. I understand better how she hurts. And I strangely accept my hurt with some equanimity. And I pray that this little self-indulgent rant does not actually make her feel worse, And I hope she finds someone to delight her mind and light up her body. I feel very Very VERY strongly that she’ll be fine. She is magic, and magic begets magic.
But for now I just have “oh well” and it sounds more like a cry into a pit than anything else, a wail into a literal well, deep and cold and probably dry…oh well, oh well, oh well.
One thing I dodged is what about me? Will I be fine? Who knows?! But I do know this. I’ll try. I’m not going to sequester my heart like I did after that other relationship ended at the end of 2006. I’ll try to remain open and curious and available. That’s all I can do. That’s all any of us can do. I might not be happy about it, but I’ll do it.