What if?

Huh. I have had the most interesting evening. I do not know what triggered this thought, but here’s what hit me–

What if I had never met Siri?

For the uninitiated, Siri is Siri Aarons. She was a remarkable woman, and for a part of her life, she and I were married. She died in April of 2003 due to complications associated with Ovarian Cancer, and most of my life since then has been a response to or denial of her death.

I was watching an episode of the television show Castle tonight on Hulu.com. (Yes, I am watching TV again. Sort of. I don’t have a television, yet the habit is seemingly with me again. There are a few programs I have grown fond of: House, Castle, and The Office. I am apparently the last person on Planet Earth to have discovered House; I read recently that it is the most popular television program in the world. House has a very simple format yet it is about a very complicated man. This is also the first medical drama I have been able to watch with any regularity since Siri’s death.)

You know, that was such a lengthy parenthetical remark, I figure it’s best to break out of ( ) and just write.

Back to Castle. It’s entertaining yet sort of shallow. I enjoy the banter and the quips, and I am annoyed with the creative team behind the show because they seem unwilling to dive deep. Both of the main characters, Detective Kate Beckett and Rick Castle, in large part due to the talents of actors Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion, come across as people I want to know more about. As I think about it, I realize that maybe, just maybe, the slickness and surface qualities of the show are a clever ruse by the creator, Andrew Marlowe. He might just be sucking in a mainstream audience only to take them on a rich emotional journey once we’ve all become entranced by the charms of Beckett and Castle. And charms there are many. (There’s also a passing similarity to Scully and Mulder of The X-Files. I learned later that Rob Bowman of X-Files fame works on Castle.)

There’s also something about Castle and House that I noticed this evening: both programs feature beautiful female actors portraying strong women with physical features that–well, I noticed tonight they both sort of look or behave like Siri. A lot of it is in the little details. The end result, however, is this: my memory was stirred. Well, maybe not stirred. Perhaps the word I want is provoked.

And then it happened. A stray and random drive-by thought penetrated my skull and spread my brain wide open.

What if I had never met Siri?

Through all the ache and tears and grief and misguided attempts to “move on,” not once did I ever wish that I had never met her.

What if I had never met Siri?

The conclusion I came to almost immediately was this: I never would have come to this place in my life if I had never met her. Now, I cannot possibly be expected to answer that question tonight.  Not tonight, but soon–I will answer it, or at the very least, I will respond to how it makes me feel. I will do that soon

The curious thing about posing that question is that it might suggest I think I would be better off if I had never met her, that I would be happier or more well-adjusted than I am now because I never would have lost her and suffered all the woe that accompanied her death. (I am not sure one can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one, and I am not clear about how it is for others who have been present for that death, but let me tell you that her death turned me inside out. I simply was not ready for her to die. )

Here is where I need to stop. I feel completely incapable of saying one more intelligent thing about anything at all at this moment. That might be because I have dug a little too deep. Please note that you haven’t seen any of the real digging I have been doing. This entry is like an episode of Castle in the way I have barely skimmed the surface. This entry is a reminder to me that there are things I need to feel still. And primarily–I think–this is a reminder from me for me to remember to remember.

Oh, one more thing. I am happy I am here. Here right here. No where else, no one else, no when else.

I don’t have any fantasies that the above will make any sense to anyone but me. And that’s fine. The riddle I might be solving is one of my own creation.


1 Comment

Filed under death, journal

One response to “What if?

  1. Timothy

    In retrospect, “Castle” is weak and I think I was bored. Oh, winter.

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