bad dreams / good schemes

Lately I have been having some very unpleasant dreams;  I am writing this now because I woke from a bad one after only having slept for an hour or two.  I must have just barely entered REM when WHAM I had a nasty dream, a dream that was.  Violent.  Heartbreaking.  Crushing.  Unkind and downright cruel.

There’s something going on inside my brain.

I think the sources of these dreams are simple to deduce.  Some stress from money woes.  Some physical stress from a reflux condition that is slow to clear up.  Some guilt: survivor guilt, bad parenting guilt, poor life choices guilt. Etc.  Typically, residual business I wish I had left behind a long while ago.

So, what to do?  What I have been working on to little effect, and shall work on even harder.  Namely, I need to forgive myself.  I need to move on.  I need to lighten up and just get on with life.  Have more fun.  Smile more.  Exercise more.

(Today was a good good day, which makes this bad dream even more perplexing.)

First, I need to meditate on this very simple and basic fact of my existence: I am a lucky man.  I should start to appreciate that.  And I will. I really want to appreciate that fact.  And I do.  Just not often enough perhaps.

My girlfriend will remind me occasionally to journal.  Every time I do (especially after a drought), I feel better.  Journaling is exercise for the soul.  I’m trying to remove judgment from my next statement – let me say that I want to take good care of myself.  Today is always a good time to renew that effort.

But hey.  Seriously, I need to get some sleep.  Right now.  (I think I am going to have some good dreams tonight.  That’s the plan anyway.  Maybe I should plan that more often.)

(Oh yeah.  Maybe the book I am reading is affecting me.  House of Leaves is remarkable. It is also disturbing.)

On the lighter side, we are seeing Ricky Gervais tonight (tonight being the accurate word since it is now Wednesday September 29, 2010).  This will be my first visit to the Chicago Theatre.  Looking forward to the show.  I’m very much looking forward to the date with my beautiful Teresa.

Okay then.  Now.  Sleep.


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Filed under Chicago, journal

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