Category Archives: Q&A

SAP Button Part 2

SAP Button Part 1


TC: Socks acquired.

UT: What?

TC: I’m back from the laundromat. I wasn’t running away from your piercing interrogation.

UT: What a hero.

TC: There you go again.

UT: Okay, let’s dig right in then.

TC: One thing first.

UT: Yes?

TC: Can you at least try to be polite? Enough with the digs.

UT: Sure. No problem. Now…why are you such a sap?

TC: That’s not the issue. We’re not looking for causality. I am pretty sure that the problem I have with being a sap is a long-held belief that it makes me a weak person– (laughs)–not person…a weak man. I suppose I would rather be tough.

UT: That’s like a hedgehog wishing he could swing from trees. What’s so wrong with accepting your nature? You are you. Embrace that.

TC: You’re all of a sudden full of support.

UT: Listen. It goes like this. You have something really special. You possess a sort of beauty that cannot be faked. You have a direct connection with your feelings, yet you wish that weren’t the case.

TC: This direct connection makes me vulnerable, and I don’t mean in an Oprah sense. I feel at risk, soft-white-underbelly-exposed. It is not a good way to be in a tough world.

UT: I know many people who would say that the way you are is the best way to be.

TC: If that’s the case, then why do you have such a problem with it?

UT: Timothy, for the sake of this Q&A, it’s fun to pretend we are not the same guy, but seriously, you know I am you.

TC: Play along.

UT: Fine. Because it’s hard.

TC: What’s hard?

UT: That’s what she said.

TC: Christ. You’re hopeless.

UT: Don’t leave ’em hanging like that for me.

TC: I’m not taking the bait.

UT: It’s difficult being soft. (whispers) That’s what she said. Sorry. Being raw in a world ready to pour salt on your wounds is difficult.

TC: Yes it is. Hmmm. I see.

UT: What? I’m a little turned around.

TC: Well…it’s like this. You don’t like it and make jokes and jabs at me, but you’re the one who’s afraid actually. The jerk is the one who doesn’t want to deal with his feelings. You make jokes in order to push away real feelings.

UT: So do you. And you cry a lot.

TC: I’m a little worn out, buster. I actually don’t cry that often. I want to, I wish I could, but I’ve made things difficult for myself by bottling things up. I’m miserable a lot. That’s not the same as crying.

UT: One of your problems is you avoid how you’re feeling. You don’t always have to be happy.

TC: I don’t think that way.

UT: Then why is it when you feel lousy you have to perform to be “up?” You know exactly what I mean by this.

TC: I’ve developed some bad habits as coping mechanisms.

UT: If you truly believe that, then change.

TC: It’s not that simple.

UT: I don’t know about that, sir.

TC: Listen. I know I’m lazy. I am not very disciplined.

UT: Really?

TC: I’m ignoring that.

UT: You’re good at that. Come on, we’re getting somewhere.

TC: I’m lazy. I’m not proud of it.

UT: You can do something about it. If you really are lazy, and you want to change, then just quit making excuses and develop some good habits.

TC: I’ve been considering that.

UT: How about you quit considering things and start doing? Take action.

TC: (unintelligible groan)

UT: Oh, that might just be the sound of progress. When the going gets tough, the tough go (unintelligible groan).

TC: Funny man.

UT: I like to think so.

TC: Dude, you are annoying.

UT: It takes Me to know Me.

TC: Can we change the subject for a while?

UT: No.

TC: (referring to the Misty Boyce CD For The Grace of Odd playing at the time) Isn’t this a good CD?

UT: Yes, actually, it’s fucking great. Misty’s amazing, and she’s made some bold choices here. Hey–

TC: I agree. She has a remarkable knack for melody, and she’s honest. Add her considerable talents and taste and she’s got the makings of a long successful career.

UT: Hey–

TC: I’m so lucky. When I consider how I let my gut led me out to explore last year while I was recovering from a horrible break-up and other stuff–

UT: Other stuff. That’s funny.

TC: Can we get back to talking about music?

UT: Music is not why we are here. Besides, you can’t even discuss music intelligently. It’s all feelings with you. You don’t have a critical bone in your body.

TC: That’s ridiculous. I might not be able to write intelligently about music but I have excellent taste. Man, you are acting like a douche bag.

UT: Way to demonstrate your emotional maturity.

TC: I’m sorry, but this stopped being a productive dialogue for a while now.

UT: I’m not the one who keeps changing the subject.

TC: I’m not pointing fingers. I’m only suggesting that perhaps we might want to stop jabbing for a while. Besides, I am supposed to be doing other things.

UT: You’re using a lot of passive verbs.

TC: Mercy me. How unforgivable! See what I mean? Way to go right on the attack.

UT: I’m trying to be helpful.

TC: You’re a funny guy.

UT: Yes I am.

TC: Not really. I’m the funny one.

UT: Yeah, now you are. Good one.

TC: I have dishes to wash, a bed to make, and video to edit. This whole Q&A process is just one more elaborate evasion of the work I have left to complete.

UT: No shit. You are a master of avoidance. Ladies and gentleman, I give you…The Prince of Procrastination.

TC: You’ve lost me. We’ll do this again soon, but I need to get going now.

UT: Have a great day, Timothy!

TC: You, too. Smart ass.

UT: Come on…is that necessary?

TC: You know one thing about you that drives me mad?

UT: What’s that?

TC: Your desperate need to have the last word.

UT: I don’t care about having the last word.

TC: Get off it! You panic if you can’t drop the last word on a conversation.

UT: Yeah? Well, go ahead. I’m done. Later.

TC: (waits…)

UT: (arms folded, clearly annoyed)

TC: (smirks)

UT: (glaring)

TC: (grins)

UT: (exits)

TC: (left alone) Hey? Where are you going?

…to be continued.


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SAP Button Part 1

SAP as in sap, not as in the button you push on your remote to switch languages on your television program. SAP button as in Man, sometimes I wish I could just switch off the sentimental streak in me. It’s not just sentimental. No, it’s maudlin, melancholy, mopey, and maudlin. (Yes, maudlin twice.) I wrote a letter a couple of days ago to Charlie Chaplin. (It’s not hard to find since there are only three previous posts…)

It’s the ending of the letter that seals my legacy:

P.S. Charlie, I probably don’t need to tell you this, but we all know that the kid you rescued at the end of The Kid was you. What you might not know is that the kid was me, too. Thank you.

Timothy. Now. Really? How did he rescue you? Did he rush into a burning building and scoop up your lifeless form as the timbers of the structure crashed all around, rush you outside, perform CPR, and bring you back from the grave?

TIMOTHY CALDWELL: No, nothing that dramatic. Okay, so I tend toward the dramatic…er, melodramatic. Um, okay! I know, I could write for a soap opera.

UNSENTIMENTAL TIM: That is certainly one way of putting it.

TC: Listen, I am very aware that I am a sap. I don’t see any reason, at this stage in my life, to denegrate myself for a tendency that has been with me since I can recall anything. And I have a lot of memory. One might say I have too much memory.

UT: Too much memory. Do you mean too much capacity, or that you have too many memories to contend with?

TC: Too many memories. I worry sometimes that this is all I am, a man full of memories with little room for new ones. I know this is not true, because just this past year has found me cramming a lot onto the hard drive–

UT: You stopped.

TC: It’s probably that I have what I feel are too many regrets and can’t get past them.

UT: That can be a problem, Timothy.

TC: Tell me about it.

UT: Okay. That’s a problem. Maybe it’s time you started dealing with that. Maybe it’s time you start dealing–period.

TC: That has crossed my mind.

UT: For starters–

TC: Listen, I’d like to continue this, but I have to go to the laundromat to get my clothes out of the dryer. Can we talk things over another time?

UT: Sure. Skip out when we get down to the bone.

TC: Hey, you know as well as I that this is not evasion. Why do you have to be such a jerk sometimes?

UT: Honestly, for the same reason you feel you have too much memory. Regrets, babe. Impatience. Perfectionism. La la la.

TC: Jeez, you are tiresome.

UT: Laundry…

TC: This isn’t over.

UT: It is for now. Go get your socks.

…continued in SAP Button Part 2

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